god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
