I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
