I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
