I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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