Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
