wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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