i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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