Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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