Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
