Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
