Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize