she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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