I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
