I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
