just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
