This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I smell like Dick and happiness
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
