she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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