I swear she didn't look like that last week.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize