I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
