life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
