he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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