Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I love having hate sex.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
