The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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