Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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