Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
