a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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