Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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