i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
