saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
