i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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