for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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