i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
We were destined to go to rehab together
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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