i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
