Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
