someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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