thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Randomize
