Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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