I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
