she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
