Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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