there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
