Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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