i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
