you traded sex for a burrito?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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