i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
