Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
