So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
