Your mouth is God's brothel.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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