sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
