i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
