The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
