Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
