He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Come on in and take your pants off
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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