Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Life is so much better after having sex.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
