its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
