I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I touched a dick in church today
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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