my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
