if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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