i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
