Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
