mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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