i would punch a child for taco bell
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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