i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
