Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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